literature

Rush

Deviation Actions

kamcalste's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

Aching, breaking, shaking
(faking).
But honey, you made me
yours for the taking.

tumbleweeds clung
to my eyelashes and teeth,
so brittle and bitter that I
couldn't speak.
so when you swept away
the debris, I
fell hard, and now we're
stumbling -

Singing, winging, flinging,
(stinging).
But darling, I can't take
you are bringing.

cobwebs tangled
in my hair and nails,
so itchy, sticky, and I
thrashed in my sleep.
so when you brushed
out the knots and burls, I
thought you were the smoothest
thing I have ever seen -

Wanting, flaunting, taunting
(daunting).
But sweetheart, I'm not worth
this tender haunting.

dust settled
over my skin and lips,
and I choked and coughed along
with attic-bound dolls.
so when you took me down and
claimed me as yours, I
forgot that I
am mine.

(this gritty sweetness helps me sleep,
but I can't promise this is for keeps.)
For the Feedback Frenzy:
1 - What works in this poem? What doesn't?
2 - Does the format prevent the poem from flowing well?
3 - Favorite image or line? Least favorite image or line?
4 - Do you have any other suggestions on how this piece could be improved?

Thanks!
==========================================

Borne from a bad day, a difficult decision, and a single, angsty, bitter moment.
Reflects my current mood and reality, but take what you read with a grain of salt. In the end, I'm content, and that's all I can ask for. But sometimes I can't help but crave a little more.

Hooray crypticness!

Comments, questions, critiques, favorites, etc - always greatly appreciated.

Enjoy?
© 2012 - 2024 kamcalste
Comments7
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iAmoret's avatar
For #FeedbackFrenzy.

The picture you create in this poem is both horrifying yet beautiful at the same time. I love the comparisons and the use of imagery in this, especially the part about the cobwebs. :love:

The addition of the words in parentheses really makes this piece different, in a very good way. It's nice how sometimes such simple things can add so much depth to a poem. :D

I really can't find a thing I dislike about this poem- very well done! :clap: